4: Crap

I have a lot of shiz goin' on right now, and I don't know left from right.

So, today I went and hung out with my friend Kay, we went to Kollen Park, then to Steak and Shake, and we sat in the WalMart Parking Lot and ate our shakes, afterward we went and played with the baby toys in WalMart. I think that the workers almost threw us out xD.

Soon after I got home, I heard everything. My ex-boyfriend gave my ex-best-friend a promise ring, after dating only 1 month. I can't believe it, the person I'm freaking in love with wants to spend the rest of his life with the girl I hate the most. SHOOT ME NOW~! I can't stand the thought of them being together, it's disgusting, wrong, and it hurts, so much. There's nothing that can hurt worse...

...but something can happen to make me feel worse. My mom approached me today and said that I do nothing. She complained about everything, I didn't scrub the toilet, or the bathtub, when I did, and she just went off about the fact that I forgot to clean the counter today. Okay, so maybe I was in a rush to pick up Kay, but she didn't have to lecture me the way she did. She knows about the whole "promise-ring" crap too, doesn't she know that I'm already emotionally unstable? Why add on to my low self-esteem? It's like she wants me dead.

I do have some great friends to keep me around, like Azalea, Rose, Kay, Alexis, even my sister. No one else really seems to care...>.< Jeez, I still sound like an emo-kid! I need to get a boyfriend, maybe that'll make things a bit better.

3: Psycho (Warning: Emo Entry)

Is it normal to think the way I do? Is it normal to want revenge as bad as I do? Thoughts of suicide come up often these days, but I know I could never go through with it. I can't help but think about it, I'm not afraid of death, I'd embrace it with open arms. How crazy does that sound? A suicidal who won't do it. There are plenty of things I can do to replace suicide, like cut, or I could stop eating. If only it were that easy. I used to cut, I still have the scars, but it doesn't do anything for me like it used to, it won't take away my mental or emotional pain.

I know, I sound like a freaking emo-kid, but I need to let out my emotions somehow, if I don't I might do something bad...I've thought about murder as well, but yet again, I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I guess my emotions take over much too easily, either I want to kill myself, or someone else, neither would sound good to a school counselor, which my friend Alexis said I should talk to. The reason why I don't want to is because I'm afraid that if I do, they'd send me to a therapist...and I don't want to get involved in that crap.

All I want and need is someone to love me, need me, and want me, but I'm afraid that I lost the only person who did for good..

2: Ranting Time!

I started going through some of my old manga today. It was quite interesting reading the older volumes of Fruits Basket, and I have realized that since I read through the entire series, I think that the change in Natsuki Takaya's style is for the better, but when I talked to my best friend(who I shall call Rose), who only read the first 7 volumes, it makes me feel bad, because she thinks that the older style was better. I don't like disagreeing with her, and I really don't like it when we argue, but I can't help but stand where I am with this.

Natsuki's style has changed, yes, but it improved greatly, just like Kazuya Minekura, when she first started out with Saiyuki, her style wasn't great, but it improved greatly over time. Rose is a fan of the Saiyuki series, and she's read it up to the point where it is now, and she's always ranting about how much better the style is. Couldn't she just understand that Natsuki has improved just as Kazuya did? I mean sure, the styles are far from being similar, but it's the same, artists skills grow over time, and if Rose read the entire Fruits Basket series, she'd understand that Natsuki's style is better than it was before.

But like I said before, I really don't like to argue with her, because it makes me wonder how we could be friends, she's too opinionated, and she doesn't even like hearing someone elses opinion on things, unless she specifically asks for it. I can deal with it, but when we argue, I feel like my side isn't even heard. It happens often, and over really stupid things. Like when we talk about Twilight, it gets bad. Both of us enjoy the series, but we're not like the rabid fangirls that are frothing from the mouths everytime someone says something bad about it. She's and Edward fan, and I'm a Jacob fan...and that's the beginning of the problem.

To be honest, she and I are complete opposites. She likes vampires, I like werewolves. She's a cat person, I'm a dog person. She's a health nut, I don't give a shit what I eat. She likes the cold, I like the warmth. Etc, etc, etc...

But on the other hand, Rose and I are the best of friends, we tell eachother everything, and we stick up for eachother. She's the only real friend I have at school, I mean, I do have other people I get along with, but none that I completely trust.

1: Cleaning

Today was the first time in a very long time that I actually decided to clean my room. Normally, I'm just too lazy to bother, but I thought that if maybe I cleaned my room, my parents wouldn't have anything on me anymore. They don't know that it's clean yet, but just wait until they do, I might even get a smile from my mom! She never seems to smile for anything I do, no matter how hard I try to please her, at least my dad will say "Looks good" but he'll also say "It could be cleaner".

Also! My dad said yes for me going to Ikasucon(the anime convention that I've been attending these past 2 years), before he kept saying "No, I'm not going to pay for it." But he finally caved and said I could go. My friends said that they'd help pay for me, but my dad hates that, and will be giving me money(when he said he wouldn't)... -sigh-

I guess I'm loved?